Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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