the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
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he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
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Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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