the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
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noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
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If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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