I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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