i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
