Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
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I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
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IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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