captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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