It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
