Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
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Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
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I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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