If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
