i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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