i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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