my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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