I can text with my tongue
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.