i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
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I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
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He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.