For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
