We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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