Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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