the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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