my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
