time to smoke my breakfast
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
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She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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