I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
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He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
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I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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