I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
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Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
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As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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