I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
