That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
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There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
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I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.