your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.