I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
