dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
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I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
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It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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