This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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