I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
