I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize