She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I want her autograph on my taint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
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