I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
