i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
