i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
