You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
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If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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