True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i drank out of a bidet.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
