were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
