All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
