I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
