The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
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hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
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he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....