Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.