About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital