He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
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she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
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Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care