Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
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But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
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I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"