At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she looked like the before picture.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
