if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
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