but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize