i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
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The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
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I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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