I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
