So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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