Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same