you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
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I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
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Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night