I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
