Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
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My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
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future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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