You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
